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Cue_Isty


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Joke thread
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Here, I'll go first..


 


A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the fo0k off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get the fo0k on, cause we're going down the tracks".

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added... "For those of you who are pi$$ed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat fo0king bitch in the kitchen."


Talking 



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Beefy


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Not bad that one - might upset the moderators though

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Cue_Isty


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Beefy wrote:

Not bad that one - might upset the moderators though


Maybe the might move it to the "joke thread"


derrr, lol



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Cue_Isty


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A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About two hours." The guy left.
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About three hours." The guy left.
A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half." The guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."
A little while later Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"
Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said,

"Your house."

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Cue_Isty


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Castaways

A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there were only 3 survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre.

They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.....

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she had been doing. She felt that having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and, after a while nature once more took its inevitable course...........

Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.










So they buried her.



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Cue_Isty


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Talking No Sex Tonight!

No sex tonight



I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT?? What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.

We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me,
I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently, I'm not having sex tonight either...



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Cue_Isty


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Food Joke

A man get up one morning to find his wife already in the kitchen cooking......

He looks to see what she's cooking,and sees one of his socks in the frying pan........

"What are you doing?" he asks.

" Im doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk'" she replied.........

Completely puzzled,the man walks away thinking to himself,............." I dont remember asking her to cook my sock..." 



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Milhouse


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A German family head out one Saturday to do some shopping.


While in the sports shop the son picks up an England football shirt


and says to his sister, "I've decided to be an England supporter and I


would like this for my birthday."


His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the


head and says, "Go talk to your mother."


So off goes the little lad with the white and red football shirt in


hand and finds his mother.


"Mum?"


"Yes son?"


"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like


this shirt for my birthday".


The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head


twice and says, "Go talk to your father."


Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father.


"Dad?"


"Yes son?"


"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like


this shirt for my birthday."


The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head 4


times and says:


"No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"


About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading


towards home.


The father turns to his son and says;


"Son, I hope you've learned something today?"


The son says,


"Yes dad I have."


"Good son, what is it?"


The son replies,


"I've only been an England supporter for an hour and already I hate


you German Bastards!"

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